Something More...

How many times will we go back?

To the people who bring us back to the road that never ends, tirelessly circling to the point where a drunken daze is the only way to cope with these thoughts in my head?  Will the knife win me over or will the pill put me to sleep?   I don't know why but I know I gotta change but something keeps telling me to stay where I am, to finally lay my head in my bloodied bed.  Will I?   Should I?  I've certainly considered, but now I'm at the end of my road, tired of the circles, of the lies that lift me up for one moment then leave me drowning the next.  I'm tired of hearing your lies, your phony truths about a love that's made by my tears and pride, I'm tired of this life.   I'm tired of this life!  So someone come and save me!  I have nothing to lose.  What do I have?  All I held dear has led me here... are the scars on my wrists and the emptiness in my eyes proof enough to change?

The world around me always claimed we didn't need a Savior, but as my heart slowly beats, fading with every moment without a hope I have yet to see, why am I crying out for one?  Did I miss something?

Am I the only one feeling like this?

Is this life really all for naught and God is whoever we make him out to be?  Isn't he greater than you?  Greater than me?  Isn't there something coming or waiting for me?  If it's not Him, if it's not eternal, then I don't want it!  How many men and women have given me a false love, a hope that faded, a dream that ended, a lust that masqueraded as true love... how many times? No more of your lies!  I'm looking for a love that never dies, a hope that never fades and a dream that's beyond my nightly tears.  And if there is a God, though I don't know much, I know I'll find You.  I don't know why, but I know I'll find You. People can only do so much.  Look at us!  Why am I suicidal?  Why am I so violent?  Why do people rape others?  Steal?  Kill?  Murder?  Live so selfishly and greedily?   How long will You let this go God?  Haven't You seen enough?

Though my parents and my closest friends have called them foolish, I've seen a joy in their eyes, a love and a passion I have never seen before in my life, one that I'm jealous of and desperate for.  Some seem to fake it.  Some just seem to do it for the money.  Some seem to do it for fame.  But others, a few I've seen, seem to truly be in love with Jesus Christ.  We call them fools but who are we to judge?  I'm the one cutting myself, bleeding in my bathroom sink... getting high every chance I get... where did I lose myself?  How did it come so far?  My tears drip down my pen, as I remember the beautiful days of my youth, innocent and naïve, pure in so many ways... before the rage set in.  Before the depression bottled me into this prison of unforgiving hate, fueling the guilt of my own sins... that's where I lost my place.  Yes, that's where I lost my faith.  So that's where I need to pick myself up again.  Can a person turn into a ghost, and go back to a time where the future held promise and joy?

Can a person be born again?

So tell me where You are and I will meet You there, wherever You may be, be it far, be it near, my heart is empty and my soul draws near.. I seek You with all my heart, as if my life will start over and the days will be renewed... for my fear also draws near, telling me to stay away from the Son.  But I will not listen to him anymore, he who brought me to this place, who laughed at my pains and my pride and my shame... I will not listen to him anymore, because I know in my heart there is more.

I believe in my soul I am more.  


-Your best friend

Something

I always wondered if there was something coming or waiting for me.  You know like those kids at school, that chosen few that everyone always wants to be but would never admit to?  Yeah... as much as I hate to say it, they always seemed to have something I never had.

They always seemed so much happier than me.

Far be it for me to admit to you that I'd want to be like them, and you know that for me to be even telling you a single positive characteristic of the ostentatious bunch hogging up the lunch tables during every break should tell you what kind of day I've had, even though it's my birthday!  I mean, come on!  I hate it too, but every time one of them comes up to talk to me, my heart starts racing and I secretly hope that whatever they have to say to me will add a little light to the end of my day, (which, by the way, almost never happens) and I hate it when I do that... but I do it.  And you know I'd hate saying this to anyone more than anybody, but some days, they always look like they're so care-free.  God what I'd do for that.  Every time I look at them talking among themselves, as pretentious as they can be, they always look like they got it all together, have it all figured out... like they have everything.  And some days, like this one, I wished I too had everything.

Sometimes when we're all hanging out, my mind starts zoning out and my body would get into this hazy, drifting mode I like to call "space-walking."  And during those moments though I'm standing still, I feel like a fly on the wall, disappearing into thin-air, non-existent to everyone passing me by... as if no one knew that I was there, or rather... that no one cared.  I know it's depressing but just listen.

I even met someone for god's sake!  I know you hate it when I talk about him but I got to, cuz it's my birthday and this is in writing so you have to read it haha  ;)  But even when I was with him, I tell you, I'd still have those "space-walking" moments where I'd feel depressed and alone.  I never said lonely!  I'm not being emo, ok?  I swear.  Just... alone.

You gotta admit it, he was charming, smart, very popular around town... yeah he was a bit arrogant but I didn't mind it for a while.  I just wanted to be accepted, wanted to be loved.  And you know, I can honestly say there was never a doubt in my mind that this would make me happy, that this would fill me up and satisfy me... And for a while, it did.  It really did.  I didn't worry about anything.  Any other girl in school would be happy to have him as a boyfriend I told myself.  And during those days I felt strong, proud, and confident... like I was where I was suppose to be, like I finally was getting what was coming to me.  I knew all the right people and all the right people knew me, and I flaunted it like a badge of honor.  To be... or should I say,

To feel...

Proud.

I was at the top of the social food chain.  No one could talk down to me or poke fun at me (without social repercussions).  I was protected.  I was respected.  I was where I always wanted to be.

Then things started getting complicated.  I know you already know, just listen.

He started telling me how much he loved me.  Yes, he used the "L" word, several times.  And every time he'd say it, it was always when we were making out in my room when my parents weren't home.  There was always a part of me that knew he was lying.. but for a moment there, I really didn't care.  How come I never got to have a happy ending?  Why did my happiness always come with an asterisk at the end of it?  Why don't I get a fairy tale?  I mean I'm entitled to it after all the... you know... crap in my life.  Anyways, yes... if you must know... we did it.  Sigh.  He was my first.  He didn't even hold me after it happened, nor did he even call me the next day.  I wanted to cry so bad after we finished but I held it in until he left.  I'd be too embarrassed to cry.  You know I hate it when I cry.  I remember when he walked out the door a weird thought came to me, that I might never see him again.  What truth that little voice spoke.  I mean I trusted him with everything.  Everything.  He didn't seem as interested in me anymore, and I remember you told me a thousand times that I needed to leave him... but I didn't.  I hope you understand that up to that point, my boyfriend was my whole life.  Without him, I would have lost all my new "friends", and probably would have been ex-communicated from the group that held my lofty social status in limbo by the lips of their mouths and the clicks of their smart phones, just by his status changing from "In a relationship" to "Single".

I know.

I was using him too.    

I mean, I liked him and all... but I don't think I ever liked him.  You know what they say, hindsight is always 20/20.  The idea of being liked by someone like him (or anyone for that matter) and what it would do for me socially, was what really kept me in that relationship.  I hardly knew him to tell you the truth, and though I'd share with him all about me, like he was prince charming and I was sleeping beauty, he never seemed to listen... or care.  Most of our time was spent making out in front of school where no one seemed to care about what we were doing... or in a dark corner somewhere where no one would ever see what we were doing.  I never liked to hide it, but I know he did.

So, this is your best friend.  I got used for sex.  And I used him for fame.  Charming, aren't I?

God I must sound so pathetic to you by now, but I'm writing this to you because you're my best friend... and I have no one else to go to.  Sometimes I hear your voice in my head telling me what I should do during the hard times in my life... I hear you say "Pray, God is always listening."  I rarely ever did take that advice... my parents don't really believe in God and neither do I.  But you know what?  On this occasion, I actually did.  I actually prayed.

I remember when your parents were going through their divorce, though it was really tough on you, you would pray and cry with tears rolling down your eyes, asking Jesus for hope.  Even when your younger brother committed suicide, and you felt so powerless to do anything, you still had hope.  I mean at one point it was you counseling me over what happened instead of the other way around!  And honestly, I admired you for it.  I don't know how you did it, but I wish I could do it too.

Sometimes I still wonder if there's something grand waiting for me... if there's a hope I didn't find yet or didn't see through all the bulls**t.  But I don't know if I can just turn around and start believing like you... and the sad thing is, even after having everything I thought I wanted, and finding out it wasn't as gratifying as it looked, I'm still here wondering when my life will radiate with hope and great things like your life seems to do for you.  I know I've never asked you this before, but seeing how I even admitted to you that thing about those "popular" kids at school... I figure this can't be as embarrassing or as pride swallowing as that.  And you totally don't have to do this if you don't want to... but, I was just wondering, as my best friend, since it's my birthday...

Could you pray for me?

-Your best friend