Something

I always wondered if there was something coming or waiting for me.  You know like those kids at school, that chosen few that everyone always wants to be but would never admit to?  Yeah... as much as I hate to say it, they always seemed to have something I never had.

They always seemed so much happier than me.

Far be it for me to admit to you that I'd want to be like them, and you know that for me to be even telling you a single positive characteristic of the ostentatious bunch hogging up the lunch tables during every break should tell you what kind of day I've had, even though it's my birthday!  I mean, come on!  I hate it too, but every time one of them comes up to talk to me, my heart starts racing and I secretly hope that whatever they have to say to me will add a little light to the end of my day, (which, by the way, almost never happens) and I hate it when I do that... but I do it.  And you know I'd hate saying this to anyone more than anybody, but some days, they always look like they're so care-free.  God what I'd do for that.  Every time I look at them talking among themselves, as pretentious as they can be, they always look like they got it all together, have it all figured out... like they have everything.  And some days, like this one, I wished I too had everything.

Sometimes when we're all hanging out, my mind starts zoning out and my body would get into this hazy, drifting mode I like to call "space-walking."  And during those moments though I'm standing still, I feel like a fly on the wall, disappearing into thin-air, non-existent to everyone passing me by... as if no one knew that I was there, or rather... that no one cared.  I know it's depressing but just listen.

I even met someone for god's sake!  I know you hate it when I talk about him but I got to, cuz it's my birthday and this is in writing so you have to read it haha  ;)  But even when I was with him, I tell you, I'd still have those "space-walking" moments where I'd feel depressed and alone.  I never said lonely!  I'm not being emo, ok?  I swear.  Just... alone.

You gotta admit it, he was charming, smart, very popular around town... yeah he was a bit arrogant but I didn't mind it for a while.  I just wanted to be accepted, wanted to be loved.  And you know, I can honestly say there was never a doubt in my mind that this would make me happy, that this would fill me up and satisfy me... And for a while, it did.  It really did.  I didn't worry about anything.  Any other girl in school would be happy to have him as a boyfriend I told myself.  And during those days I felt strong, proud, and confident... like I was where I was suppose to be, like I finally was getting what was coming to me.  I knew all the right people and all the right people knew me, and I flaunted it like a badge of honor.  To be... or should I say,

To feel...

Proud.

I was at the top of the social food chain.  No one could talk down to me or poke fun at me (without social repercussions).  I was protected.  I was respected.  I was where I always wanted to be.

Then things started getting complicated.  I know you already know, just listen.

He started telling me how much he loved me.  Yes, he used the "L" word, several times.  And every time he'd say it, it was always when we were making out in my room when my parents weren't home.  There was always a part of me that knew he was lying.. but for a moment there, I really didn't care.  How come I never got to have a happy ending?  Why did my happiness always come with an asterisk at the end of it?  Why don't I get a fairy tale?  I mean I'm entitled to it after all the... you know... crap in my life.  Anyways, yes... if you must know... we did it.  Sigh.  He was my first.  He didn't even hold me after it happened, nor did he even call me the next day.  I wanted to cry so bad after we finished but I held it in until he left.  I'd be too embarrassed to cry.  You know I hate it when I cry.  I remember when he walked out the door a weird thought came to me, that I might never see him again.  What truth that little voice spoke.  I mean I trusted him with everything.  Everything.  He didn't seem as interested in me anymore, and I remember you told me a thousand times that I needed to leave him... but I didn't.  I hope you understand that up to that point, my boyfriend was my whole life.  Without him, I would have lost all my new "friends", and probably would have been ex-communicated from the group that held my lofty social status in limbo by the lips of their mouths and the clicks of their smart phones, just by his status changing from "In a relationship" to "Single".

I know.

I was using him too.    

I mean, I liked him and all... but I don't think I ever liked him.  You know what they say, hindsight is always 20/20.  The idea of being liked by someone like him (or anyone for that matter) and what it would do for me socially, was what really kept me in that relationship.  I hardly knew him to tell you the truth, and though I'd share with him all about me, like he was prince charming and I was sleeping beauty, he never seemed to listen... or care.  Most of our time was spent making out in front of school where no one seemed to care about what we were doing... or in a dark corner somewhere where no one would ever see what we were doing.  I never liked to hide it, but I know he did.

So, this is your best friend.  I got used for sex.  And I used him for fame.  Charming, aren't I?

God I must sound so pathetic to you by now, but I'm writing this to you because you're my best friend... and I have no one else to go to.  Sometimes I hear your voice in my head telling me what I should do during the hard times in my life... I hear you say "Pray, God is always listening."  I rarely ever did take that advice... my parents don't really believe in God and neither do I.  But you know what?  On this occasion, I actually did.  I actually prayed.

I remember when your parents were going through their divorce, though it was really tough on you, you would pray and cry with tears rolling down your eyes, asking Jesus for hope.  Even when your younger brother committed suicide, and you felt so powerless to do anything, you still had hope.  I mean at one point it was you counseling me over what happened instead of the other way around!  And honestly, I admired you for it.  I don't know how you did it, but I wish I could do it too.

Sometimes I still wonder if there's something grand waiting for me... if there's a hope I didn't find yet or didn't see through all the bulls**t.  But I don't know if I can just turn around and start believing like you... and the sad thing is, even after having everything I thought I wanted, and finding out it wasn't as gratifying as it looked, I'm still here wondering when my life will radiate with hope and great things like your life seems to do for you.  I know I've never asked you this before, but seeing how I even admitted to you that thing about those "popular" kids at school... I figure this can't be as embarrassing or as pride swallowing as that.  And you totally don't have to do this if you don't want to... but, I was just wondering, as my best friend, since it's my birthday...

Could you pray for me?

-Your best friend