How many of you have wept at night over broken hearts?
And how many of you are now too proud to admit it?
I wonder the wisdom of this sort of pride. We too have had this problem in heaven, ages ago.
I do not mean to say that that particular hurt is still going on in you, but there are more pains that scars can cause in addition to the initial experience. A scar by it's very nature does not cause pain, rather it is open for the world to see. And we have quite a view from up here. You see your scars have brought upon a different pain in your life. It has brought upon fear.
Do you remember when you were 18? Do you remember it was you who turned on Him first? You turned on him as most of you do in college. American colleges have such a bad reputation to the general public, for parties, sexual promiscuity, drinking, drugs, living a life with no worries, and especially no consequences. Yet in your life, my friends, you have had to deal with consequences, haven't you? You have had to deal with a broken heart. Some people, and even some of your friends, called you unlucky. You may also have though to yourself that you were unlucky. But is this truly unlucky? I do not think so. I do not mean to say your pain was a good thing, but rather that it was pointing out to you that your wound needed healing. And God only disciplines those He love. And be assured that there is a difference between punishment and discipline. The former pays, but the latter grows.
In the Bible, as always, there are many examples for you to see where others had broken hearts. Many people, after having been blessed by God, have turned from Him once the blessings had come. His people turned from Him to worshiping themselves by living for their legacies, their own names, their pleasures, their own ambitions, and did not follow him any longer. God, in love, turned from them, speaking clearly through His people, saying that since you have turned from me, I too will show you what it is like when I turned my back on you. And they began to see what a life without their maker was like, and they began to weep and mourn, because they learned that even their families, their wealth, their happiness, was wrought by him, and withdrawn by him.
My friends, you too have done the same thing.
Why have you lived only for your own pleasures and exaltation, following moral codes that only you deemed worthy or valuable to you in your own world? Do you think that no one sees? Is it not your place to turn back to him, because it was you who turned from him? It is not enough for us to feel sorry either. Let me ask you, would you allow your loving brother to go back to heroin just because he said I'm sorry and wept in front of you? We call for more. We call for more not from our loved ones, but for our loved ones. We call for more because we love them. God in his love calls the same from you. He is saying, "Ask me what you want and I will give it to you, but seek me first." This is not difficult to understand. Do you love your Christmas gift more than your mother who bought it for you? Does a loving daughter care more about her parent's money than her own parents? Does yo best friend care more about the job you landed him, than you? Then why would we think to give God such a cheap love as well? It is when our hearts and our minds desire God's presence, more than his presents, that we have truly turned to God. This is what he means by "Seek me first." This is what it means to love.
And why do we feel it is only our emotions, or our tears that God desires? Or our thoughts, or our strengths, or our work? Do you not desire more from your father than just his money? How many children have complained about this in America! Then why do you not think God desires more from you as well?
Take comfort my dear friend, at times, God desires for you to weep, not because he desires for you to feel pain, but to learn to abide in his love. To be the son and daughter that can stand in the face of trials, that is full of wisdom and understanding, guided by his loving hand, filled with his divine power, having more than an abundance of things in your temporary life here. God is love, and his is greater than any love any man or woman could ever give to you. And what greater love is there than to pay the bills? there is something greater than this (although that is very important), isn't there? What greater love is there than to compromise? There is still something greater, isn't there?
True love is sacrifice. There is no greater love than to die for those you love, wouldn't you agree?
Then open your hearts, be honest, for He has great plans for you, plans to make you prosper, to pour his favor onto you. He has a great wife, a great husband waiting for you, someone who will not cheat on you, steal from you, curse you behind your back, care only of their concerns, take you virginity and leave, use you in any way, ignore you or abuse you and lie to you. He has someone who loves you. But seek him first, just as you would have the loves of your life do for you, not his presents. And when he fills you with his presence your heart will be filled with a perfect love that no human is capable of, a love that casts out all fears, that will give you confidence and courage to see the great rewards he has waiting for those who earnestly seek him.
-A messenger from heaven
Pain Free
Did you know that leprosy, one of the most ancient and feared diseases in human history, is not a wearing away of the skin or muscle tissue, but it is the destruction of our body’s nerve endings? To put it shortly, leprosy is the absence of pain.
When I was young, I believed that pain was like any other feeling, even a feeling such as joy or excitement, and so in my tenth year of life, I decided to train my mind to treat pain like any other feeling so I could overcome it. To my disappointment then and to my humor now, this was a feat I was unable to accomplish. But this little exercise told me something. It told me that everyperson, whether young or old, desires to live a life free of pain. In other words, if there was a real life genie in a bottle, one of the three wishes on most anyone’s wish list would be to never feel pain, emotional, physical or mental, ever again. As I thought about this, the age old question came up, why do we hurt? As Philip Yancey put it, where is God when it hurts? I had been content with my life and found pain manageable until I hit my late teens and early twenties, when I felt pain that wrenched deep down in the bottom of my soul, and could not hold my tongue any longer. I wanted to know WHY. Why is there pain in our world? Can a father murdering his two adolescent daughters in a drunken rage, be explained? Can a priest molesting a ten year old congregant, and the physiological pains that boy must endure for the rest of his life, be accounted for? Surely, only God could answer such a question. Surely, He would know, or SHOULD know I thought.
“Not once did a person visit my office to express appreciation for a beautifully functioning kidney or lung. They came to complain that something was not working properly. Only later did I realize that the very thing they complained about were their greatest allies. Most people view pain as an enemy. Yet, as my leprosy patients prove, it forces us to pay attention to threats against our bodies. Without it, heart attacks, strokes, ruptured appendixes, and stomach ulcers would all occur without warning. Who would ever visit a doctor apart from pain’s warnings?” This is a quote from Dr. Paul Brand, a receiver of the Albert Lasker Award, appointed Commander of the Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II, and the only westerner to serve on the Mahatma Gandhi Foundation. I quoted this from Philip Yancey’s book Soul Survivor. What I took from this book and this doctor was that pain was crucial, an integral and necessary part of human life. Yes. Necessary for human life. If we had no pain, we would be lepers. A shoe that fit too tightly, for months on end, would cut off the circulation of blood flow which would eventually destroy the foot’s life support resulting in the need for amputation. Sitting in an awkward position or lying down without the feeling of discomfort would eventually rupture the discs holding our spinal chord in place, leaving one unable to move or control the muscles that are required in every day life, leading to paralyzation. The loss of pain, in this world we live in, is considered a disease. And truly it is. Mutilated limbs, disfigured faces, toes and fingers being chewed off all because the person, the leper, who carries this disease, feels no pain at all.
As I was reading this book I likened our human bodies to our spirits. 98% ofthe world’s population believes in the human spirit, and 100% of the world’s population, even the psychopaths, believe in right and wrong. So now imagine a world that can not feel right or wrong, that can not feel pain where cruelty is found, that can not sense the light from the dark, that does not know sin and is apathetic to cheer and gloom. A human without nerves, you get a leper. A world without a soul, you get hell. Imagine the African American slaves beaten, fed and spit upon like dogs, their mothers used as whores for the owner’s drunken parties, young men belted then hung from a tree for sneaking out to eat a piece of biscuit, their fathers used like cattle and oxen, grandfathers shot for their ineffectiveness in the field and lack of utility, grandmothers weeping at the thought of their children growing up just as they did. And imagine no one had the ears to hear them, because there was no pain.
To ask God for a pain-free life is like asking Him to blind our eyes and deafen our ears. As Dr. Paul Brand put it, “I thank God for pain. I cannot think of agreater gift I could give my leprosy patients.”
There was a man who once lived on this earth, who likened Himself to a doctor treating sick patients. He said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” He is the most documented man in human history, from those who walked with Him on a day to day basis to those who hated Him and made it their life’s work to tarnish His name. Both can not deny His existence. And when I read these words again and again I feel a sense of awe, that of all the truth I have found in my life, they have always lead me back to His words. C. S. Lewis, an avid atheist and leading figure at Oxford University came to know this same man through his search for truth and answers. Lewis said that “if you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.” It is the pain that lies deep in our souls that we want an answer to the most. The pain that comes to life with the recollection of being spit on, the feelingof being lonely, or taken advantage of, been betrayed, lied to, hurt, beat, shunned and outcast from our most beloved ones. It is that pain of watching your father leave you and your family on that sunday night, that pain of seeing your drunken mother treat herself like a whore to different men each and every night, that pain of watching your brother sell his soul to money and fame, that pain of being helpless watching your sister cut and bleed herself in the dark… it is that pain that we must never forget, cuz God forbid we gouge out our own eyes.
S.D.G
What is "Made To Speak"
For those of you that don’t know, for a long time my band and I had been under
the project name “Madeline Speak”. And for an even longer time, before
that band came around, I had created this project for two reasons and two
reasons alone. #1, I loved music. It was as simple as loving art,
enjoying myself while doing something that supposedly gave me value and
integrity in this world. #2, for my own ambitions, which was for my own
glory.
I know how taboo it is to say such a thing, that I was
living for my own glory, but how true is it in this American society we live in
today? I don’t believe it is a coincidence that all the popular music
these days is 98% saturated with loving oneself, living for ambitions without
any accountability for our actions, and putting our comforts before the
comforts of others. How many rappers in all seriousness, simply talk
about how great they are, how much better they are than the competition, how
many women they have and the money to buy every desire of their heart?
How selfish we as a nation had become! And I too, was no different.
The “rock” world seemed to me, at the time, to be a more
“moral” place, a place where seeking your own glory was frowned upon, and only
making music for “the love of music” was viewed as an acceptable motivator to
climb your way to the top. The front man of Green Day, Billy Joe
Armstrong said it best when he said a rapper can talk about their bling and
their cars and their women, but if a rockstar said that, their fans would
probably stone them. Yet we were all deceived. How many “Battle of
the Bands”, be on the cover of so and so magazine, win this competition and get
a record deal type “competitions” have we seen in the past 5 years alone?
Almost every independent artist that I know is trying to “make it”, and
they blindly follow this ambition thinking it’s the “good life”. Trent
Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) said that when he became rich and famous, he thought
his life would be better, but he found it wasn’t at all he said (paraphrased).
Jim Morrison, Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain to name a few, were men who had
it all, the money, the fame, the notoriety, the respect amongst other artists
and musicians, the integrity among fans and peers... yet all of them died by
overdoses and suicide, when their careers were at their peaks.
Cobain's wife, after his suicide, said “I can’t believe how
narcissistic he was to actually go through with it.”
My pastor friend and I had a conversation once over some
burgers and fries at Island’s, and I said to him,
“Dude! I’m gonna give up this whole making music thing
and just go to med school and be a doctor, and make lots of money and make
babies with a beautiful wife.” He responded by saying,
“How sad it is that such a noble profession as healing the
sick has turned into a means for material pleasures in our society.” I
had nothing to say. Then I thought about it, and we could have easily
replaced the phrase “healing the sick” with…
How sad it is that such a noble profession as "making music" has turned into a means for material pleasures in our society.
I finally came to a point, down on my knees, when everything
was going wrong in my life, cried out to God and said “Why am I like this?
Why are we like this? Where do we turn to if not to you? What
can man do to help ourselves? Look at what we’ve done already! Is
this where our road ends? Are we truly just chimps with bigger brains
like 99% of all the schools in this country drilled in my head growing up?
Did I miss something?”
I can’t go into detail what happened this last year, but God
and I met, in our own time, in a private place. I’m sure most of you know that I am a follower of Jesus
Christ, who was crucified and died for our sins that whoever believes in Him
will not perish, but have eternal life. And understand that this project,
is being made a new, brimming with love I had never seen, exuding with grace I
have not attained, and shining in goodness and light I can not fully
understand… but it is not my light. As the picture suggests (thanks to my
friend freezerburrn), It is the sun behind me that shines, infinitely bigger
than I yet graceful enough to clothe me in it’s warmth… And here and now I am
fulfilling that which has been given to me, to speak to those through song, who
are hurt, lost, confused, lukewarm, seeking more… And it is in God I trust, and
it is His message that speaks.
2 Cor 5:17
Love & respect always,
Andy
A River Runs Through It
It was my first tour around the western side of the country. I had never seen the other states like Idaho, Washington, Oregon or Utah before, but driving through it all I realized how beautifully diverse America really was...
At one point you have mountain ranges, broad and strong, standing by forest green trees dancing in place with the morning breeze... a deep, silvery lake glistening against the fiery sun only to reveal its' glory even more... and morning clouds outside the foot of our cars blooming at the tip of every breathe, wafting away every memory of smog filled LA traffic... I stood there drifting away to the most beautiful, simple sound that creation makes when you're free...
I saw eternity.
Rolling hills carved out by ancient rivers and torrents... Green dunes in the spring refined to a soft golden brown in the fall... still, unforgiving deserts accompanying 16 hour drives... it was by the grace of the Creator I found a quiet in this creation that I could never find in the big city. There was no wi-fi. There were no phone calls. No e-mailing to worry about, no politics to take care of, no business to tend to. Moments of silence and peace where my soul would yearn for that greater place, that greater existence that all humanity longs for.. but most never find. I heard it in myself for years but never really realized that it wasn't under my nose... it was inside me. Me. A soul. Not a body, but a soul. For so many years I never understood what that meant. Dark and driven by my desire to succeed, I found no comfort in any success that came my way and found depression and hopelessness in every failure that blocked my path. Even if I had been successful, what was my end to be? Was the phrase "Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die" any less of a destination than what my life was gearing up to be? What was the final frontier supposed to look like? Was there one? I grew up looking up to people like Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur, who both in their own right walked a path that led to their own demise... and as glorified as they were by the money makers and sellers of faces and souls, I bought into their so-called glory, and desired ever so quietly, to die just as they did. Immortalized in black and white pictures of anger and angst, I wanted to take my own life in a blaze of glory and success, or as Kurt Cobain put it, to rather "burn out than fade away."
He was speaking about his career, his life... for his career became his life.. his success, who he was. His life was no longer a spirit or a person, but a body.. a body of work made up of success, cd sales, ticket sales, signed autographs and the approval of peers... and without those things, those things he feared to lose, his life had no meaning... because that was life to him. So he took it that fateful day with a shotgun to his head, fearing the eventual fading away of his story in the eyes of millions. Oh how so many of my generation wept for him! Yet I wonder what we learned from his tragic story, his final frontier.. Because if there isn't a final frontier where meaning and beauty coincide... where truth and love are the way of life... and if random occurrences can forge the ninth symphony, the complexions of the human anatomy, and the tragedy and hopeful victory of truth and morality... and if my soul is simply a thought and if I'm better served to survive as an unforgiving beast and a more clever devil, in a world full of devils, then I don't think Kurt was too far off. As Shakespeare put it, life would be
"but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing."
Sound and fury, signifying nothing...
As much as we musicians and artists have touched the multitudes and multitudes of faces and hearts throughout the generations, and as much as I as a minister have influenced and impacted those wonderful human lives brought to my care thus far... we are still nothing without that which is greater than us.. nothing without a truth that binds us and unites us to live for a cause that is worthy of our lives... and our deaths.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that's given to us." -J.R.R Tolkien
In the quiet and in the stillness.. in the darkness and in the silence, He is there.. patiently waiting, knocking on the door that pride and grief keeps shut so tight.. and if only I had known that to truly live a different life.. to live as a light to the world, to believe in a higher calling and to treasure a jewel worth selling everything over... the old needed to pass. The seed that sprouts the majestic Redwood must first die, in order to become the greatest and largest tree in the world, climbing closer to the heavens than any earthly thing, and providing shelter and food for the birds of the air to perch their nests. So be still my heart, for He is with you...
There is a river whose streams make
glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most
High.
God is in the midst of her, she
will not be moved;
God will help her when morning
dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the
kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth
melted.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Psalms 46:4-7
At one point you have mountain ranges, broad and strong, standing by forest green trees dancing in place with the morning breeze... a deep, silvery lake glistening against the fiery sun only to reveal its' glory even more... and morning clouds outside the foot of our cars blooming at the tip of every breathe, wafting away every memory of smog filled LA traffic... I stood there drifting away to the most beautiful, simple sound that creation makes when you're free...
I saw eternity.
Rolling hills carved out by ancient rivers and torrents... Green dunes in the spring refined to a soft golden brown in the fall... still, unforgiving deserts accompanying 16 hour drives... it was by the grace of the Creator I found a quiet in this creation that I could never find in the big city. There was no wi-fi. There were no phone calls. No e-mailing to worry about, no politics to take care of, no business to tend to. Moments of silence and peace where my soul would yearn for that greater place, that greater existence that all humanity longs for.. but most never find. I heard it in myself for years but never really realized that it wasn't under my nose... it was inside me. Me. A soul. Not a body, but a soul. For so many years I never understood what that meant. Dark and driven by my desire to succeed, I found no comfort in any success that came my way and found depression and hopelessness in every failure that blocked my path. Even if I had been successful, what was my end to be? Was the phrase "Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die" any less of a destination than what my life was gearing up to be? What was the final frontier supposed to look like? Was there one? I grew up looking up to people like Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur, who both in their own right walked a path that led to their own demise... and as glorified as they were by the money makers and sellers of faces and souls, I bought into their so-called glory, and desired ever so quietly, to die just as they did. Immortalized in black and white pictures of anger and angst, I wanted to take my own life in a blaze of glory and success, or as Kurt Cobain put it, to rather "burn out than fade away."
He was speaking about his career, his life... for his career became his life.. his success, who he was. His life was no longer a spirit or a person, but a body.. a body of work made up of success, cd sales, ticket sales, signed autographs and the approval of peers... and without those things, those things he feared to lose, his life had no meaning... because that was life to him. So he took it that fateful day with a shotgun to his head, fearing the eventual fading away of his story in the eyes of millions. Oh how so many of my generation wept for him! Yet I wonder what we learned from his tragic story, his final frontier.. Because if there isn't a final frontier where meaning and beauty coincide... where truth and love are the way of life... and if random occurrences can forge the ninth symphony, the complexions of the human anatomy, and the tragedy and hopeful victory of truth and morality... and if my soul is simply a thought and if I'm better served to survive as an unforgiving beast and a more clever devil, in a world full of devils, then I don't think Kurt was too far off. As Shakespeare put it, life would be
"but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing."
Sound and fury, signifying nothing...
As much as we musicians and artists have touched the multitudes and multitudes of faces and hearts throughout the generations, and as much as I as a minister have influenced and impacted those wonderful human lives brought to my care thus far... we are still nothing without that which is greater than us.. nothing without a truth that binds us and unites us to live for a cause that is worthy of our lives... and our deaths.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that's given to us." -J.R.R Tolkien
In the quiet and in the stillness.. in the darkness and in the silence, He is there.. patiently waiting, knocking on the door that pride and grief keeps shut so tight.. and if only I had known that to truly live a different life.. to live as a light to the world, to believe in a higher calling and to treasure a jewel worth selling everything over... the old needed to pass. The seed that sprouts the majestic Redwood must first die, in order to become the greatest and largest tree in the world, climbing closer to the heavens than any earthly thing, and providing shelter and food for the birds of the air to perch their nests. So be still my heart, for He is with you...
There is a river whose streams make
glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most
High.
God is in the midst of her, she
will not be moved;
God will help her when morning
dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the
kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth
melted.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Psalms 46:4-7
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