How many times will we go back?
To the
people who bring us back to the road that never ends, tirelessly
circling to the point where a drunken daze is the only way to cope
with these thoughts in my head? Will the knife win me over or will
the pill put me to sleep? I don't know why but I know I gotta change
but something keeps telling me to stay where I am, to finally lay my
head in my bloodied bed. Will I? Should I? I've certainly
considered, but now I'm at the end of my road, tired of the circles,
of the lies that lift me up for one moment then leave me drowning the
next. I'm tired of hearing your lies, your phony truths about a love
that's made by my tears and pride, I'm tired of this life. I'm tired
of this life! So someone come and save me! I have nothing to lose. What do I have? All I held dear has led me here... are the scars on
my wrists and the emptiness in my eyes proof enough to change?
The world around me always claimed we
didn't need a Savior, but as my heart slowly beats, fading with every
moment without a hope I have yet to see, why am I crying out for one? Did I miss something?
Am I the only one feeling like this?
Is this life really all for naught and
God is whoever we make him out to be? Isn't he greater than you? Greater than me? Isn't there something coming or waiting for me? If
it's not Him, if it's not eternal, then I don't want it! How many
men and women have given me a false love, a hope that faded, a dream
that ended, a lust that masqueraded as true love... how many times?
No more of your lies! I'm looking for a love that never dies, a hope
that never fades and a dream that's beyond my nightly tears. And if
there is a God, though I don't know much, I know I'll find You. I
don't know why, but I know I'll find You. People can only do so
much. Look at us! Why am I suicidal? Why am I so violent? Why do
people rape others? Steal? Kill? Murder? Live so selfishly and
greedily? How long will You let this go God? Haven't You seen
enough?
Though my parents and my closest
friends have called them foolish, I've seen a joy in their eyes, a
love and a passion I have never seen before in my life, one that I'm
jealous of and desperate for. Some seem to fake it. Some just seem
to do it for the money. Some seem to do it for fame. But others, a
few I've seen, seem to truly be in love with Jesus Christ. We call
them fools but who are we to judge? I'm the one cutting myself,
bleeding in my bathroom sink... getting high every chance I get...
where did I lose myself? How did it come so far? My tears drip down
my pen, as I remember the beautiful days of my youth, innocent and
naïve, pure in so many ways... before the rage set in. Before the
depression bottled me into this prison of unforgiving hate, fueling
the guilt of my own sins... that's where I lost my place. Yes,
that's where I lost my faith. So that's where I need to pick myself
up again. Can a person turn into a ghost, and go back to a time
where the future held promise and joy?
Can a person be born again?
So tell me where You are and I will
meet You there, wherever You may be, be it far, be it near, my heart
is empty and my soul draws near.. I seek You with all my heart, as if
my life will start over and the days will be renewed... for my fear
also draws near, telling me to stay away from the Son. But I will
not listen to him anymore, he who brought me to this place, who
laughed at my pains and my pride and my shame... I will not listen to
him anymore, because I know in my heart there is more.
I believe in my soul I am more.
-Your best friend
-Your best friend
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