I remember you so vividly. At times I could sit back and drift and literally "feel" the memories of the past, and I could always remember you in particular. I remember there were moments when I, being older than you, use to take advice from you. I remember you use to encourage me greatly, consistently, lifting me up when my spirits were low and keeping me on earth when my emotions were too high. You use to keep me in your prayers constantly, opening your Bible and being faithful to most all the promises you made... each night you would pray for courage and guidance for the following day at school; high school life wasn't always easy, if you remember. You use to look up to many great people, and some treated you well, and others not so well... but you never lost it. You never lost your faith. You were so full of faith and joy. God I use to see your joy radiate from your smile, and with just one look I'd catch myself smiling back.. without even knowing why..
I remember how much you loved to worship God. I remember how passionate you would get when you would sing, in front of the entire church, with everyone around, you would sing your heart out to Jesus, because you knew in your heart and your soul how much He truly loved you. Do you remember those days? You never cared what others thought of you, but you didn't hate the gossipers.. you rose above them by serving them, being humble around them knowing you were guilty too, and always trying to help them. Do you remember?
The days when you were loved...
Time passes quickly, doesn't it? It's been over a decade since those days, and if I asked you to, you could still probably remember the color of the walls in the chapel, the long red pews lining up like solar panels drinking up the light of the sun.. and it was in those short, powerful moments that you use to know that you would never leave Him, because you knew He would never leave you. You were so confident then. The days went on and the years passed, and you found many of your peers straying off, veering into dark corners of the world... following their dreams and ambitions most of our parents laid out for us, and before you even knew what happened... you ended up in a place you never imagined.
Uncertain.
You were always so honest to me, and if I may be so bold as to honor you by giving you that same honor, why are you where you are? Most people, young or old, never like to admit they are uncertain, that most times out of the day when they sit and think, they truly realize they're not as sure as they wished, and are always trying to catch the white rabbit they continually miss... but this isn't an interview, and no one is asking you any questions that they'll hear the answers to.. so truly, why are you lost?
I'm not better than you. You know that. I know that better than anyone. I know all the things I had done. Bad things. Terrible things. Things that were difficult for me to lay out on the table and analyze. But I did it. It was painful. I wasn't really one to cry a lot, but I wept, bitter tears. I wept because I had no one, and I knew that even those that I had, it was imperfect. I mean, I'm imperfect too, but that's not what I mean. The love I had never seemed enough. I always wanted more. No wait, that's not right... I always needed more. But it was never enough! I strived and strived and begged and begged... and they would always throw me a crumb, just enough to keep me at their beck and call. I went to those parties. I know you. You're not fulfilled getting drunk on the weekends and going to those parties hopefully catching yourself with a famous person to put on your Instagram. That's not enough for you. You're not fulfilled at your job either, are you? There's always another ladder to climb... another person to try not to envy.
If you and I were meant to live in such a way, which is what the world would certainly lead us to do, then I don't see why we're always asking for more. If we're just animals, then why has mankind since the beginning of written history always had eternity in inscribed in their hearts? How can someone bound by time even have a concept of something being outside of it?
Do you want to be free?
You're not like me. You don't need "proof." You weren't made that way. You live by following your heart. So when you look... deep down... I mean deep down, to the very bottom of your heart of hearts... when you've hit rock bottom and there's no more "bottomer" place to go.. what does your heart tell you? Even when I was doing all the bad things I was doing... when I was alone in my room, and I searched deep down to that lowest of places in my heart... I knew Jesus was real. I knew He was the Son of God. It's true. Romans 1.
I hated it, don't get me wrong, and I know right now, you probably hate it too. But Jesus doesn't hate you. Isn't that interesting? As much as I denied Him and spit on Him and persecuted and ridiculed His followers, church goers, cussed them out and drank to their misery... I realized, that no matter what I did, I couldn't take away what He did. You can't change the past. You use to tell me that. You can't change the past. Well, you were right.
I couldn't change the Cross.
Oh my dear friend, how much He has waiting for you.. how much He loves you, you and I will never fully know.. but would you do me a favor? When He calls on you again, it will be the quietest whisper venting in your soul... and the loudest knock you hear on your door... because He won't be hiding behind a mask or putting on a front for you. This isn't a show and it's not a dream; this is your life... and You'll know that it's Him. You'll know because you use to love Him... you were madly in love with Him...
He was your first love.
“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep." John 10:15
Oh my friend, He is jealous for you. He died for you because it would last for all time, eternal and undimmed by the fading glory of this world.. and even though you're uncertain right now, even though you're shaking... just know... that He loves you... and cares for you very, very much. You were never gone, you just went away for a little while is all. Come home now.
